Surviving without Twitter when broadband is down

  1. Stand outside at 4am, shouting ‘CAN’T SLEEP! IS ANYONE ELSE AWAKE? ANYONE?….OH, HI BARBARA, YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING TOO?….WHAT?….WELL THERE’S NO NEED TO BE RUDE…YES, I’M GOING BACK INSIDE NOW, PLEASE DON’T CALL THE POLICE’
  2. Wait by the door for the postman. When you hear him approach, open the letterbox, push a handwritten tweet through and say, ‘Hi, would you take a moment to read this please?’ Don’t forget to include ‘fav’ and ‘retweet’ tickboxes and ask if he needs a pen.
  3. Create a 3D selfie by striking a pose at the corner of your street. Don’t forget to pout. Wait for passers-by to compliment your hair. (Tip: if a man pulls up in a car and asks you ‘how much’ he is not, I repeat NOT, enquiring how much you paid for your highlights.)
  4. Eavesdrop on your neighbours’ conversations. Interject with ‘haha!’ ‘oh no!’ or ‘bloody hell, really?’ at appropriate times. You might hear something that sounds similar to something you once said. Point this out and, if possible, back it up with evidence. For instance, you could phone your mum and say, ‘Hi mum, remember when I said that funny thing a few weeks ago? Can you tell my neighbour about it?….No, it’s not weird, it’s a perfectly reasonable request…..Because I want to prove that I’m just as funny as they are and that they’re not original….Oh, OK. No, I know and, yes, I will try and grow up. Loveyoubye.’
  5. Write jokes and stick them up on local lampposts, fences, church noticeboards, garden gates, etc. Include your mobile number and ask that people text ‘fav’ or ‘RT’ but be warned – even though you didn’t add it as an option, you will receive a surprising number of texts saying ‘fuck off’
  6. Follow people down the street. Don’t get too close or you might startle them. Also, after a while, they may notice you are there and threaten to phone the police. At this point, shout ‘UNFOLLOWS & BLOCKS’ then run away and follow someone else.
  7. Sit behind a couple on the bus or train and listen to their conversation. Butt in with helpful suggestions, such as ‘you should get that checked out by a doctor’ or ‘God, that Anna sounds like a right bitch. Why are you even friends with her?’ Remember that not everyone will like what you have to say but it’s a free country and you’re entitled to express your opinion. Tell them that as they get up and move to another seat.
  8. When you’ve tried everything else, curl up in the foetal position and cry. Release all the frustration, the anger, the sorrow; then take a few deep breaths and focus on the fact that your broadband won’t be down forever. When it’s back you’ll get the attention and validation you crave; until then just hang in there and eat cake.
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Surviving without Twitter when broadband is down

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